Includes TV stuff, bumper stickers, random e-mail spam tidbits, song lyrics, etc. Some song lyricsand TV quotes are in the broken-down-by-author category, others are here. It’s kind of random.


"Don't worry -- it's only kinky the first time."


"I wish my lawn was Emo. Then it would cut itself."


    Q: How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?


“Don’t go throwing death rate vs. birth rate data at me...the last time I checked the death rate is a constant 100% per lifetime.”


"A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform."


"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."


"Any ship can be a minesweeper … once."


"Death is but a doorway. Here, let me hold that for you."


"Don't think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as unlimited target selection!"


"Earthquakes don't kill people. Houses do."


"Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, it is evident that every program can be reduced to one instruction that does not work."


"Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny."


"I always wanted to write a little program that would pop up a window saying, 'I'm going to amputate a limb at random from you now,' to see how many people would instinctively click 'OK'."


"I do believe that for every door that closes another will open -- but these hallways are real drag."


"I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."


"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."


"I'd change the world but God won't give me the source code."


"If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed … Oh, wait a minute, he already does."


Ancient Goth: someone who overthrew the Roman Empire.
Modern Goth: a vegetarian pretending to be a vampire.
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!


"If God is watching, the least we can do is be entertaining."


"Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly."


"It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time."


"I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time."


“If it wasn’t for blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.”


"No one ever says, 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning."


"Oh, no! Not *another* learning experience!"


"Physics and Law Enforcement -- if it weren't for those two, I'd be unstoppable."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this hour?"


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career ... oooh, it's all too much for me."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so Brain, but I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh ... yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?"


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Well, I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like weasels."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals kids wouldn't buy them."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so."


"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what would the children look like?"


Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Um... I think so, Brain, but what if the chicken won't wear the nylons?

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Woof, oh, I'd have to say the odds of that are terribly slim, Brain.
Brain: True.
Pinky: I mean, really, when have I ever been pondering what you've been pondering?
Brain: To my knowledge, never.
Pinky: Exactly. So, what are the chances that this time, I'm pondering what you're pondering?

Brain: Next to nil.
Pinky: Well, that's exactly what I'm thinking, too.
Brain: Therefore, you ARE pondering what I'm pondering.
Pinky: Poit, I guess I am!

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but we're already naked.

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but the Rockettes, it's mostly girls, isn't it?

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how will we get a pair of Abe Vigoda's pants?

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but can the Gummi Worms really live in peace with the Marshmallow Chicks?

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Wuh, I think so, Brain, but wouldn't anything lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if the plural of mouse is mice, wouldn't the plural of spouse be spice?

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Yes Brain, but if our knees bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what are you doing over there?
Brain: Pondering your afterlife, Pinky.

Brain: Brilliant, Pinky! Oh, no, wait. What if we want to use a plan that works?

Brain: Pinky, Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, but where will we find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night?

Brain: Pinky, Are You Pondering What I’m Pondering?
Pinky: Uh, I think so, Brain, but this time, you wear the tutu.


"Real programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to read."


"Some people have a way with words, others not have way."


"This gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked from the context."


"Well, if you didn't struggle so much, you wouldn't get rope burns."


"Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename!'"


"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."


If you’re ever feeling down in the dumps, and about to give up on your dreams, do a big production dance number: It works every time.


I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.


understand, v.: To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the basis of your own internal model instead.


We are the Lutherans, who were self-identified in movies theaters when the Star Wars trilogy came out and every time Obi-Wan Kenobi said “May the Force be with you” we replied “And also with you”


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

 Haiku error message


Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

 Haiku error message


Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

 Haiku error message


The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

 Haiku error message by Barry L. Brumitt


The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

 Haiku error message by Bill Torcaso


wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

 Haiku error message


With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

 Haiku error message by Howard Korder


Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
 Haiku error message by Rik Jespersen 


We're beggars and blighters and ne'er-do-well cads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Aye! But we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me!

 "Pirates of the Caribbean"


Two fellows are talking religion. One says to the other, “Sometimes I’d like to ask God why he allows poverty, famine and injustice when he could do something about it.” “What’s stopping you?” asks the second. And the first replies, “I’m afraid God might ask me the same question.”



I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.

 A New York City police detective


It's not the bullet with my name on it that worries me. It's the one that says "To whom it may concern."

 Anonymous Belfast resident, quoted in _The London Guardian_ (1991)


I don't have problems with things I can't see. God and Jesus and Heaven, I believe in all those things. It's the things I *can* see that I have trouble accepting.

 Anonymous Psych Patient


Something is wrong.

 ATARI 520ST and 1040ST BASIC error warning


Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

 Blore's Razor


When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving


As we delight in the strange and exotic beauty of orchid flowers, it is salutary to reflect that we are, in essence, looking at their genitalia.

A British biologist (from The Beak of the Finch)


If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water.

Bulgarian Proverb


After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.

 Chinese proverb


In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter.

 Chinese proverb


The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

 Chinese proverb


There is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat.

 Chinese proverb


Frostily patient,
Determined falcon giggles;
Deceptive lamb quacks.
Computer-generated Haiku


The B-52 has been an effective war machine. It's killed a lot of people.
    [speech in Congress]
The B-52 has been an effective war machine, which has unfortunately killed a lot of people.
    [as edited in the Congressional Record]

 Congressman Bill Young


Maybe if you live in a country that's a monarchy, this book's worth reading, but this is *America*, ok? The whole reason we live in a democracy is so that we the people don't have to worry about things like this.

 Customer Review of _1984_ on (7 May 2000)


"ERROR 155 - You can't do that."

 Data General S200 FORTRAN error code list


[on the finding of a body in a suitcase on a trolley in the parking lot of London's Heathrow airport]
It is being treated as a suspicious death.

 Detective Chief Inspector Neil Guild


   MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a bank robber. Give me the me the money.
   MAN BEHIND MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a policeman. You are under arrest.

 Dialog during attempted bank robbery, Philadelphia (1974)


The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

 Ehrlich's Law


Preserve civilization — write on walls.

 Graffiti in the British Museum men's room


There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame says, “I am a mistake” and guilt says, “I made a mistake”.

Great Sexpectation’s reader


Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time.

 House Speaker John Alario (D-Westwego), Louisiana Legislature


All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.

 IBM maintenance manual (1925)


He was so mean, if you cut him open you'd find your grandma!

 Jim Rockford


Heterosexual men have an annoying habit of overestimating their own attractiveness.

 Joseph Steffan, expelled from US Naval Academy for admitting he was gay


No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.

Kentucky Law


All people have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.
motto of the King's Guard in ancient Greece


No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately 1.5 billion Chinese couldn't care less.

 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom


I will not wish thee riches nor the glow of greatness, but that wherever thou go, some weary heart will gladden at thy smile, or shadowed life know sunshine for a while. And so thy path shall be a track of light, like angels' footsteps passing through the night.

Words on a church wall in Upwaltham, England


   A rabbi spoke with God about heaven and hell.
   "I will show you hell," God said, and they went into a room which had a large pot of stew in the middle. The smell was delicious, but around the pot sat people who were famished and desperate. All were holding spoons with very long handles which reached to the pot, but, because the handles were longer than their arms, it was impossible to get the stew back into their mouths.
   "Now I will show you heaven," God said, and they went into an identical room. There was a similar pot of stew, the smell was delicious, and the people had identical spoons, but they were well-nourished and happy.
   "It's simple," God said. "You see, they have learned to feed one another."

 Medieval Jewish story


Though it was unintelligent and stationary, our prey remained elusive.

Narrator of a nature documentary about mushrooms


DOS computers, manufactured by millions of companies, are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
The New York Times, November 26th, 1996

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our "Easy Sky Diving" book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

 Notice appearing in a Warrenton, Virginia, newspaper


Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Oxford Union Society Rules

Most Obscure Warning Award: "If you fork() without ever waiting on your children, you will accumulate zombies.

 PERLFUNC man page


Brain work will cause her to become bald, while increasing masculinity and contempt for duty will induce the growth of hair on her face. In the future, therefore, women will be bald and wear long mustaches and patriarchal beards.

 Prof. Hans Friedenthal of Berlin U., on women, higher ed, and voting rights (19th C.)


Confession without repentance is just bragging.

 Rev. Eugene Bolton


Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.

 Robert Strauss, on conducting


Let the gods avenge themselves.

 Roman legal maxim regarding blasphemy


If you don’t find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
Sears Consumers Guide, 1897


The White House has always attracted the mentally ill.

 Secret Serviceman Vincent Charles, on increased White House security


If I die, I forgive you; If I live, we shall see.

 Spanish proverb


One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few.

 Spanish proverb


To thicken the plot.

 Sri Ramakrishna, when asked why God allows evil in the world


It is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer.

 Sun System & Network Admin manual


I think we are all willing to have a little bit of crud in our lungs and a full stomach rather than a whole bunch of clean air and nothing to eat. And I don't want a bunch of environmentalists and Communists telling me what's good for me and my family.

 Texas State Rep. Billy Williamson (who has since died of lung cancer)


If you took all the fools out of the Legislature, it wouldn't be a representative body anymore.

 Texas State Senator Carl Parker


Man is harder than iron, stronger than stone and more fragile than a rose.

 Turkish proverb


No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back.
Turkish Proverb


Most of us miss out on life's big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel. Oscars. Tonys. Emmys. But we're all eligible for life's small pleasures: A pat on the back. A kiss behind the ear. A full moon. An empty parking space. A crackling fire. A great meal. A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold beer. Don't fret about copping life's grand awards. Enjoy its tiny delights. There are plenty for all of us.

United Technologies Corporation Ad


The English language is the result of Norman soldiers trying to set up dates with Saxon barmaids . . .


Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.

Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary


The Product is not fault-tolerant and is not designed, manufactured or intended for use or resale as on-line control equipment in hazardous environments requiring fail-safe performance, such as in the operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, air traffic control, direct life support machines, or weapons systems, in which the failure of the Product could lead directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage.

From the license agreement for Winamp (a music player)


You should avoid American and European coins at all costs as they contain aluminum based mind-control circuitry. Canadian coins are free of this threat mainly due to the Canadian governments’s choice of neglecting psychotronic research in favor of research into giant robotics.


   A man asked Hakuin, a Zen master, "What happens after we die?"
   The master replied, "I don't know."
   "What do you mean? You're a Zen master, aren't you?"
   "I am," came the reply, "but not a dead one."

 Zen koan


   A soldier came to Hakuin and asked "Is there really a paradise and a hell?"
   "Who are you?" inquired Hakuin. "I am a samurai," the warrior replied.
   "You, a samurai!" exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar!"
   The soldier became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but Hakuin continued. "So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably as dull as your head!"
   As the soldier drew his sword Hakuin remarked "Here open the gates of hell!"
   At these words, the samurai, perceiving the discipline of the master, sheathed his sword and bowed.
   "Here open the gates of paradise," said Hakuin.

 Zen koan


   Tanzan and Ekido were traveling together down a muddy road. They came upon a lovely girl in a silk kimono, unable to cross at an intersection. "Come on, girl," said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.
   Ekido did not speak until that night. Then he could no longer restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he said, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"
   "I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"

 Zen koan


What I need? You can’t give it, you can’t buy it, and you just don’t get it.

Aeon Flux


Death does funny things to people, especially the part of death where the corpse reanimates and tries to kill the living.
From the “All Flesh Must Be Eaten” RPG

The story is told of Picasso that a stranger in a railway carriage accosted him with the challenge, "Why don't you paint things as they really are." Picasso demurred, saying that he did not quite understand what the gentleman meant, and the stranger then produced from his wallet a photograph of his wife. "I mean," he said, "like that. That's how she *is*." Picasso coughed hesitantly and said, "She is rather small, isn't she? And somewhat flat?"

Angels Fear, by Gregory and Mary Catherine Bateson


Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the trouble makers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. There not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo, you can quote then, disagree with them, glorify or vilify, about the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, WE SEE GENIUS. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world.


Apple Computer, Inc. 1998


ASH: Good, bad....I’m the guy with the gun.

Army of Darkness


Melvin: Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But for a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
As Good As It Gets


If the radiance of a thousand suns
Were to burst at once into the sky
That would be like the splendor of the Mighty One --
I am become Death,
The shatterer of Worlds.

Bhagavad Gita (500? BC)


Each one should judge his own conduct. If it is good, then he can be proud of what he himself has done, without having to compare it with what someone else has done. Foe everyone has to carry his own load.

Bible, Galatians 6:4-5


Teacher: Mr. Madison. What you've just one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison


ROBERT THE BRUCE: I have nothing. Men fight for me, because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk fought for William Wallace. He fights for something that I’ve never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it’s tearing me apart.



WILLIAM WALLACE: Aye, Fight and you may die; run, and you’ll least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now; would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!



   ANYA: Look, I know you find me attractive; I've seen you looking at my breasts.
    XANDER: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


   BUFFY: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
   WILLOW: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


   CORDELIA: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
   XANDER: I'm 17. Looking at *linoleum* makes me wanna have sex.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


   XANDER: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


   WILLOW: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: 'Don't get killed.'

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Anne"


   XANDER: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
   GILES: Don't taunt the fear demon.
   XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
   GILES: No. It's just ... tacky.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Fear, Itself"


CLIFF CLAVIN: Women: If they’re not turning down your proposals for marriage, they’re accusing you of suspicious behavior in the women’s lingerie changing room.



Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.


SILENT BOB: There’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ‘em just cheat on you.



I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It’s the accessory connection I love.

John McGovern, The Daily Show


I’ve distilled everything to one simple principle - win or die.
Glenn Close, Dangerous Liaisons


I don’t have low self-esteem, I have low esteem for everyone else.



Little Girl: After tonight, I’m avoiding growing up at all costs.
Joey: Sounds good. Let me know if you have any luck.
Little Girl: Aren’t you supposed to be arguing the other side? Convincing me that growing up can be such a beautiful experience…if I just let it?
Joey: I want the, “I’m older than you, so here’s how it works speech,” right? How’s this? ...Growing up sucks. And not all kisses are magic, and most boys do NOT live up to your expectations. But...there are those times when everything, I, romance, all falls together perfectly and…it’s incredible. And it’s those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between…that make growing up worth it.

Dawson’s Creek

Liberty is the capacity to do anything that does no harm to others.

Declaration of the Rights of Man and the Citizen, France, Article IV (26 Aug. 1789)


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey


   LORD PALMERDALE: Are you in charge here?
   THE DOCTOR: No, but I'm full of ideas.

Doctor Who


   THE BRIGADIER: You know, just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.

Doctor Who


THE DOCTOR: The first law of crisis is to panic about one thing at a time.

Dr. Who


   THE DOCTOR: Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.

Doctor Who


THE DOCTOR: This species has an amazing capacity for self-deception matched only by its ingenuity when trying to destroy itself.

Doctor Who


   THE DOCTOR: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.

Doctor Who


Lewis: (about sex) One person's always disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman.

The Drew Carey show


Kate: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Lewis: Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take that away from me?

The Drew Carey show


WARREN: Who glued these quarters down?

AJ: I did!

WARREN: What the hell for man?!

AJ: I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.
Empire Records

GINA:Attention Rex Manning fans! To your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by our night manager Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first 100 customers! Just another tasty treat from the gang here at Empire Records!

Empire Records


Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough.

The Evil Henchman’s Guide, Tips for Evil Cult Members


If you have siblings, do not trust them. They’ll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they’re stupid enough to trust you,

use them shamelessly.

The Evil Henchman’s Guide, Tips for the Evil Overlord’s Wicked but Beautiful Daughter


I am what I am, and I don’t think Betty Ford takes vampires.

Forever Knight Nick Knight


Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want.



Frasier: She's been missing for three days and you're only just panic-stricken now?
Niles: I only just realized it. The last two nights I knocked on Maris' bedroom door to greet her goodnight, and was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.



Frasier: There's an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.



I may steal. And I may lie. And I may rough some people up from time to time. But it’s all for a good cause. Self-preservation.

Full Throttle Demo (“Ben”)


No matter how many times I tell you she’ll break your heart, or how many times she does it, you’ll never give up. ‘Why?’ you ask? Because you love her.

Great Expectations

If you see a chance to be happy, you grab it with both hands and to hell with the consequences.

Grumpy Old Men


Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250

Harper's Index (October 1989)


JD: Now that you’ re dead, what do you want to do with your life?



Perseverance alone does not assure success. No amount of stalking will lead to game in a field that has none.

I Ching


One man scorned and covered with scars still strives with his last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable stars; and the world will be better for this.

The Impossible Dream


I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying.

Joan of Arc (Movie?)


   STONE: The commandment says "Thou shalt not kill," not "Thou shalt not kill nice people!"

Law & Order


After toppling an altruistic democracy, seizing control of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it’s a good idea to invest in helmets that your troops can see through.
Lessons from Star Wars, unknown.

Recently, when the standoff in Waco, Tex., turned ugly and the cult members set fire to their compound, "Guiding Light", which had been on for about 15 minutes, was interrupted by a news break, which took up the rest of the hour. Couldn't the networks have waited until 3 p.m. to tell the world about this terrible happening? I was very annoyed by this interruption.

Los Angeles Times "TV Times", Letter from L. Wengard, Northridge, CA (22 May 1993)


Boris: And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that “I run through the valley of the shadow of death-- in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.
- from the movie “Love and Death”

Drill Sergeant: One, two, one, two, one, two.
Boris Dimitrovich Grushenko: Three is next, if you’re having any trouble.
- from the movie “Love and Death”


Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I’ve ever had.
Boris Dimitrovich Grushenko: Well, I practice a lot when I’m alone.
- from the movie “Love and Death”

You try to tough it out with them, they’ll lock you in a room somewhere and throw away the room.

Manhattan Project

You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up.

The Matrix

I know it's a cornball thing but: love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love-well you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Meet Joe Black


Slipping into madness is good for comparison.

Memphis museum display by


A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, “Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, “First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”

Monty Python and the Holy Grail


Life’s like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending, we did just what we set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you....

The Muppet Movie


Love is like when you hear music playing in another room, and it’s a tune that you really love, so you sing along. Then, a door closes or a train passes by and you can’t hear it anymore, but you keep singing along. And when you hear it again you’re singing it perfectly in time. That’s what love is....I think.

Music from Another room


ANGELA: My parents keep asking how school was. It’s like saying, ‘How was that drive-by shooting?’ You don’t care how it was, you’re lucky to get out alive.

My So Called Life


When he's around, my whole body knows it. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind will have no idea what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this.

My So-Called Life


When you call someone's name, and they don't hear, you feel so lonely.

My So-Called Life


There comes a time when you’d rather injure your body than injure your pride.

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Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it’s time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it’s never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.

NIKE Advertisement


Max: You haven’t slept with her, have you?
William: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
Max: ‘No comment’ means ‘yes’.
William: No it doesn’t.
Max: Do you ever masturbate?
William: DEFINATELY no comment.
Max: You see? It means ‘yes’.

Notting Hill


African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer

The Onion headline


In happy times, love poured out of me like bright honey from a stolen hive. But in times of hurt and loss I withdrew into a self-made enclosure of impenetrable solitude, and the people who tried to touch me there--all of them--drew back in utter horror as I wounded them again and again for daring to love me when I knew my love was all corruption.



Life is pain, Princess. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.

The Princess Bride


A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

PS, The Army's magazine of preventive maintenance; p. 9 (Aug 1993)


He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.



RIMMER: What bright side? I’m dead. I’m composed entirely of light and I’m alone in space with a man who would lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where’s the bright side?

Red Dwarf


Give yourself over to absolute pleasure, swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh, erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure...forever..

Rocky Horror Picture Show


Darlene: (helping with a forged note) Go upstairs and practice mom's signature.
DJ: That's like homework! I might as well be in school!
Darlene: Yes, but unlike things you learn in sixth grade, forgery is a skill you can use the rest of your life.


Delta: It always helps if you wear a tiara.
Rosie: While shellacking?
Delta: While doing anything.

Delta Burke, on the Rosie O'Donnell Show


It's as if all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Saturday Night Live


Insults are effective only where emotion is present.

Star Trek Spock "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.


When the Egyptians were drowning in the Red Sea, the angels in heaven began to break forth in songs of jubilation, but the Holy One, blessed be He, silenced them: "My creatures are perishing -- and ye are ready to sing!"



Who can protest and does not, is an accomplice in the act.



The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.

The Creation of the Universe, television show sponsorship credits (PBS)

I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I’d like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.

The Shawshank Redemption


    APU: I used to think karma was baloney, but now I'm not so sure.
    HOMER: Mmmmm ... caramel baloney!

The Simpsons


Sideshow Bob: I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?

The Simpsons


HOMER: Trying is the first step towards failure.

The Simpsons


HOMER: Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
The Simpsons


Christopher Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.



RENTON: Choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin? People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit, which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise, we wouldn’t do it. After all, we’re not f*cking stupid. At least, we’re not that f*cking stupid.



Anna Nicole said she “had a slender model inside of her.” I'm guessing that was what she had for lunch.

-The Vent


Inside me, there’s a thin woman trying to get out. Luckily, I can shut her up with chocolate.

-The Vent


My biggest hope is that, after the war, we can get the guy who has kept Iraqi TV up and running to come to work here for the cable company.

-The Vent


We have been so anxious to give our children what we did not have that we have neglected to give them what we did have.

-The Vent


I’ve got everything I need except a man. And I’m not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I’m tired of being alone.

Waiting to Exhale


HARRY:I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
When Harry Met Sally



When I buy a book, I always read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is the dark side.

When Harry Met Sally


Lionel: I came as soon as you called.
Karen: That's really none of my business but I'm glad you're here.

Will and Grace


TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Paper: Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.



If you bought our course, "How to Fly Solo in Six Easy Lessons," we apologize for any inconvenience caused by our failure to include the last chapter, "How to Land Your Plane Safely." Send us your name and address and we will send you the last chapter posthaste. Requests by estates also honored.

World Magazine, Correction in a 1973 issue


DANA SCULLY: Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-the ones that last-are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is...suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with.



Mulder: Brown Mountain, Scully, that doesn't ring a bell?
Scully: No...
Mulder: Brown Mountain lights? It's a famous atmospheric phenomenon dating back nearly 700 years, witnessed by thousands of people, back to the Cherokee Indians. Strange multicolored lights are seen to dance above the peak of the mountain. There's been no geological explanation, no scientific credible explanation at all.
Scully: And, what does that have to do with these two?
Mulder: Well, as I said, there is no scientific explanation, but there are those of us that believe that these multicolored lights are really --
Scully: UFOs. Extra-terrestrial visitors from beyond who apparently have nothing better to do than buzz one mountain for 700 years.
Mulder: It sounds like crap when you say it.


You have to show support; it’s necessary to get behind someone to stab them in the back.

Yes, Prime Minister


Everybody knows that the dice are loaded, everybody rolls with their fingers crossed.

“Everybody Knows”


She got down, but she never got tired, she’s gonna make it through the night.

“Blinded by the Light.”


It’s so nice to be insane, no-one asks you to explain....

Helen Reddy “Angie Baby”


Don’t make me chase you, even doves have pride.

Prince, “When Doves Cry”


And he who made kittens put snakes in the grass.

Jethro Tull, “Bungle in the Jungle”


We were once so close to Heaven, Peter came out and gave us medals, declaring us the nicest of the damned...

They Might Be Giants, “Road Movie to Berlin


When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive....

GooGoo Dolls, Iris


Break me, shake me, hate me, take me over, when the madness stops then you will be alone...

Savage Garden


Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy.

R.E.M. “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?”