Includes TV stuff, bumper stickers, random e-mail spam tidbits,
song lyrics, etc. Some song lyricsand TV quotes are in the
broken-down-by-author category, others are here. It’s kind of random.
"Don't
worry -- it's only kinky the first time."
"I wish my lawn was Emo. Then it would cut itself."
Q: How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems
to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?
“Don’t go throwing death rate vs. birth rate
data at me...the last time I checked the death rate is a constant 100% per
lifetime.”
"A
polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform."
"Always
code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent
psychopath who knows where you live."
"Any
ship can be a minesweeper … once."
"Death
is but a doorway. Here, let me hold that for you."
"Don't
think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as unlimited target
selection!"
"Earthquakes
don't kill people. Houses do."
"Every
program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction
-- from which, by induction, it is evident that every program can be reduced to
one instruction that does not work."
"Every
time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date
back a little, just to be funny."
"I
always wanted to write a little program that would pop up a window saying, 'I'm
going to amputate a limb at random from you now,' to see how many people would
instinctively click 'OK'."
"I
do believe that for every door that closes another will open -- but these
hallways are real drag."
"I
don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
"I
drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I'd
change the world but God won't give me the source code."
"If
Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed … Oh, wait a minute, he
already does."
Ancient Goth: someone who overthrew the Roman Empire .Modern Goth: a vegetarian pretending to be a vampire. Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
"If
God is watching, the least we can do is be entertaining."
"Instant
shaman - add one drum and beat slowly."
"It
isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time."
"I've
found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time."
“If it wasn’t for blinds, it would be curtains for all of
us.”
"No
one ever says, 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning."
"Oh,
no! Not *another* learning experience!"
"Physics
and Law Enforcement -- if it weren't for those two, I'd be unstoppable."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this
hour?"
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career ... oooh, it's
all too much for me."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh, I think so Brain, but I can't memorize a whole opera in
Yiddish."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Uh ... yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our
size?"
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Well, I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like
weasels."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals kids wouldn't buy
them."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so."
"Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what would the
children look like?"
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Um... I think so, Brain, but
what if the chicken won't wear the nylons?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Woof, oh, I'd have to say the
odds of that are terribly slim, Brain.
Brain: True.
Pinky: I mean, really, when have I
ever been pondering what you've been pondering?
Brain: To my knowledge, never.
Pinky: Exactly. So, what are the
chances that this time, I'm pondering what you're pondering?
Brain: Next to nil.
Pinky: Well, that's exactly what I'm
thinking, too.
Brain: Therefore, you ARE pondering
what I'm pondering.
Pinky: Poit, I guess I am!
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but we're
already naked.
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but the
Rockettes, it's mostly girls, isn't it?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but how
will we get a pair of Abe Vigoda's pants?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but can
the Gummi Worms really live in peace with the Marshmallow Chicks?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Wuh, I think so, Brain, but
wouldn't anything lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if the
plural of mouse is mice, wouldn't the plural of spouse be spice?
Brain: Are you pondering what I'm
pondering?
Pinky: Yes Brain, but if our knees
bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?
Pinky: Gee, Brain, what are you
doing over there?
Brain: Pondering your afterlife,
Pinky.
Brain: Brilliant, Pinky! Oh, no,
wait. What if we want to use a plan that works?
Brain: Pinky, Are you pondering what
I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, but where will we
find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night?
Brain: Pinky, Are You Pondering What
I’m Pondering?
Pinky: Uh, I think so, Brain, but
this time, you wear the tutu.
"Real
programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to
read."
"Some
people have a way with words, others not have way."
"This
gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall
pluggandisp can be glorked from the context."
"Well,
if you didn't struggle so much, you wouldn't get rope burns."
"Why
doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename!'"
"The
fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
If
you’re ever feeling down in the dumps, and about to give up on your dreams, do
a big production dance number: It works every time.
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
understand,
v.: To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease
to examine what is really present, and operate on the basis of your own
internal model instead.
We
are the Lutherans, who were self-identified in movies theaters when the Star
Wars trilogy came out and every time Obi-Wan Kenobi said “May the Force be with
you” we replied “And also with you”
A
file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Haiku error message
Errors
have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Haiku error message
Having
been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Haiku error message
The
code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Haiku error message by Barry L.
Brumitt
The
Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Haiku error message by Bill
Torcaso
wind
catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
Haiku error message
With
searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Haiku error message by Howard Korder
Server's poor responseNot quick enough for browser.Timed out, plum blossom.Haiku error message by Rik Jespersen
We're
beggars and blighters and ne'er-do-well cads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Aye! But we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me!
"Pirates of the
Two fellows are
talking religion. One says to the other, “Sometimes I’d like to ask God why he
allows poverty, famine and injustice when he could do something about it.”
“What’s stopping you?” asks the second. And the first replies, “I’m afraid God
might ask me the same question.”
I've
gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands
of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest
her.
A
It's
not the bullet with my name on it that worries me. It's the one that says
"To whom it may concern."
Anonymous
I
don't have problems with things I can't see. God and Jesus and Heaven, I
believe in all those things. It's the things I *can* see that I have trouble
accepting.
Anonymous Psych Patient
Something
is wrong.
ATARI 520ST and 1040ST BASIC
error warning
Given
a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
Blore's Razor
When
confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it
to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brady's First Law of Problem
Solving
As we
delight in the strange and exotic beauty of orchid flowers, it is salutary to
reflect that we are, in essence, looking at their genitalia.
A British biologist (from The Beak of the Finch)
If you wish to drown, do not
torture yourself with shallow water.
Bulgarian Proverb
After
three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.
Chinese
proverb
In
the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great
anger, do not answer anyone's letter.
Chinese proverb
The
man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
Chinese proverb
There
is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat.
Chinese
proverb
Frostily patient,
Determined falcon giggles;
Deceptive lamb quacks.
Computer-generated Haiku
The
B-52 has been an effective war machine. It's killed a lot of people.
[speech in Congress]
The B-52 has been an effective war machine, which has unfortunately killed a
lot of people.
[as edited in the Congressional Record]
Congressman
Bill Young
Maybe
if you live in a country that's a monarchy, this book's worth reading, but this
is *
Customer Review of _1984_ on
Amazon.com (
"ERROR
155 - You can't do that."
Data General S200 FORTRAN error
code list
[on
the finding of a body in a suitcase on a trolley in the parking lot of
It is being treated as a suspicious death.
Detective Chief Inspector Neil
Guild
MAN
IN BANK LINE: I am a bank robber. Give me the me the money.
MAN BEHIND MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a policeman. You are under
arrest.
Dialog during attempted bank
robbery,
The
first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ehrlich's Law
Preserve
civilization — write on walls.
Graffiti in the
There is a
difference between shame and guilt. Shame says, “I am a mistake” and guilt
says, “I made a mistake”.
Great
Sexpectation’s reader
Y'all
are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at
a time.
House Speaker John Alario
(D-Westwego),
All
parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you
are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.
IBM
maintenance manual (1925)
He
was so mean, if you cut him open you'd find your grandma!
Jim Rockford
Heterosexual
men have an annoying habit of overestimating their own attractiveness.
Joseph Steffan, expelled from
US Naval Academy for admitting he was gay
No female shall
appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by
two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute
shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200
pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
All
people have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes
to death, but always to victory.
motto of the King's Guard in ancient
No
matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately 1.5
billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity
Axiom
I will not wish thee riches
nor the glow of greatness, but that wherever thou go, some weary heart will
gladden at thy smile, or shadowed life know sunshine for a while. And so thy
path shall be a track of light, like angels' footsteps passing through the
night.
Words on a church
wall in
A
rabbi spoke with God about heaven and hell.
"I will show you hell," God said, and they went
into a room which had a large pot of stew in the middle. The smell was
delicious, but around the pot sat people who were famished and desperate. All
were holding spoons with very long handles which reached to the pot, but,
because the handles were longer than their arms, it was impossible to get the
stew back into their mouths.
"Now I will show you heaven," God said, and they
went into an identical room. There was a similar pot of stew, the smell was
delicious, and the people had identical spoons, but they were well-nourished
and happy.
"It's simple," God said. "You see, they have
learned to feed one another."
Medieval
Jewish story
Though it was
unintelligent and stationary, our prey remained elusive.
Narrator of a
nature documentary about mushrooms
DOS computers, manufactured
by millions of companies, are by far the most popular, with about 70 million
machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that
cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not
denote a higher life form.
The New York Times,
IMPORTANT
NOTICE: If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought
our "Easy Sky Diving" book, please make the following correction: on
page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read
"pull rip cord."
Notice
appearing in a Warrenton,
Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises
shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
be deemed to be a cat.
Most
Obscure Warning Award: "If you fork() without ever waiting on your children,
you will accumulate zombies.
PERLFUNC man page
Brain
work will cause her to become bald, while increasing masculinity and contempt
for duty will induce the growth of hair on her face. In the future, therefore,
women will be bald and wear long mustaches and patriarchal beards.
Prof. Hans Friedenthal of
Confession
without repentance is just bragging.
Rev. Eugene Bolton
Never
look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.
Robert Strauss, on conducting
Let
the gods avenge themselves.
Roman legal maxim regarding
blasphemy
If
you don’t find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire
catalogue.
Sears
Consumers Guide, 1897
The
White House has always attracted the mentally ill.
Secret Serviceman Vincent
Charles, on increased White House security
If
I die, I forgive you; If I live, we shall see.
Spanish proverb
One
drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few.
Spanish proverb
To
thicken the plot.
Sri Ramakrishna, when asked why
God allows evil in the world
It
is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer.
Sun System & Network Admin
manual
I
think we are all willing to have a little bit of crud in our lungs and a full
stomach rather than a whole bunch of clean air and nothing to eat. And I don't
want a bunch of environmentalists and Communists telling me what's good for me
and my family.
Texas State Rep. Billy
Williamson (who has since died of lung cancer)
If
you took all the fools out of the Legislature, it wouldn't be a representative
body anymore.
Man
is harder than iron, stronger than stone and more fragile than a rose.
Turkish proverb
No
matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back.
Turkish
Proverb
Most of us miss out on
life's big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel. Oscars. Tonys.
Emmys. But we're all eligible for
life's small pleasures: A pat on the
back. A kiss behind the ear. A full moon. An empty parking space. A crackling fire. A great meal.
A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold beer.
Don't fret about copping life's grand awards. Enjoy its tiny delights. There are
plenty for all of us.
United Technologies Corporation Ad
The
English language is the result of Norman soldiers trying to set up dates with
Saxon barmaids . . .
Unknown
Gyroscope, n.: A
wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate
about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin
so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from
application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular
momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
Webster’s Seventh
New Collegiate Dictionary
The
Product is not fault-tolerant and is not designed, manufactured or intended for
use or resale as on-line control equipment in hazardous environments requiring
fail-safe performance, such as in the operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft
navigation or communication systems, air traffic control, direct life support
machines, or weapons systems, in which the failure of the Product could lead
directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage.
From the license agreement for Winamp (a music player)
You
should avoid American and European coins at all costs as they contain aluminum
based mind-control circuitry. Canadian coins are free of this threat mainly due
to the Canadian governments’s choice of neglecting psychotronic research in
favor of research into giant robotics.
http://zapatopi.net/afdb.html
A
man asked Hakuin, a Zen master, "What happens after we die?"
The master replied, "I don't know."
"What do you mean? You're a Zen master, aren't
you?"
"I am," came the reply, "but not a dead
one."
Zen koan
A
soldier came to Hakuin and asked "Is there really a paradise and a
hell?"
"Who are you?" inquired Hakuin. "I am a
samurai," the warrior replied.
"You, a samurai!" exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind
of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a
beggar!"
The soldier became so angry that he began to draw his sword,
but Hakuin continued. "So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably as
dull as your head!"
As the soldier drew his sword Hakuin remarked "Here open
the gates of hell!"
At these words, the samurai, perceiving the discipline of the
master, sheathed his sword and bowed.
"Here open the gates of paradise," said Hakuin.
Zen koan
Tanzan
and Ekido were traveling together down a muddy road. They came upon a lovely
girl in a silk kimono, unable to cross at an intersection. "Come on,
girl," said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over
the mud.
Ekido did not speak until that night. Then he could no longer
restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he said,
"especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do
that?"
"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you
still carrying her?"
Zen koan
What I need? You
can’t give it, you can’t buy it, and you just don’t get it.
Aeon
Flux
Death does funny things to people, especially the part
of death where the corpse reanimates and tries to kill the living.
From the “All Flesh Must Be Eaten” RPG
The
story is told of Picasso that a stranger in a railway carriage accosted him
with the challenge, "Why don't you paint things as they really are."
Picasso demurred, saying that he did not quite understand what the gentleman
meant, and the stranger then produced from his wallet a photograph of his wife.
"I mean," he said, "like that. That's how she *is*."
Picasso coughed hesitantly and said, "She is rather small, isn't she? And
somewhat flat?"
Angels Fear, by Gregory and Mary Catherine Bateson
Here’s to the crazy ones, the
misfits, the rebels, the trouble makers, the round pegs in the square holes,
the ones who see things differently. There not fond of rules, and they have no
respect for the status quo, you can quote then, disagree with them, glorify or
vilify, about the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some
may see them as the crazy ones, WE SEE GENIUS. Because the people who are crazy
enough to think they can change the world.
ARE THE ONES WHO DO!
THINK DIFFERENT!
Apple Computer, Inc. 1998
ASH: Good, bad....I’m the guy with the gun.
Army of Darkness
Melvin: Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take
place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this
car. But for a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad.
What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed
that so many others had it good.
As Good As It
Gets
If
the radiance of a thousand suns
Were to burst at once into the sky
That would be like the splendor of the Mighty One --
I am become Death,
The shatterer of Worlds.
Bhagavad Gita (500? BC)
Each
one should judge his own conduct. If it is good, then he can be proud of what
he himself has done, without having to compare it with what someone else has
done. Foe everyone has to carry his own load.
Bible, Galatians 6:4-5
Teacher:
Mr. Madison. What you've just said....is one of the most insanely idiotic
things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was
there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in
this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and
may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison
ROBERT THE BRUCE: I have nothing. Men fight
for me, because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their
wives and children. Those men who bled the ground red at
Braveheart
WILLIAM WALLACE: Aye, Fight and you may die;
run, and you’ll live....at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years
from now; would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for
one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they
may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!
Braveheart
ANYA:
Look, I know you find me attractive; I've seen you looking at my breasts.
XANDER: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just
means his eyes are open.
Buffy the
Vampire Slayer
BUFFY:
Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
Buffy the
Vampire Slayer
CORDELIA:
So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
XANDER: I'm 17. Looking at *linoleum* makes me wanna have
sex.
Buffy the
Vampire Slayer
XANDER:
I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
Buffy the
Vampire Slayer
Buffy the
Vampire Slayer, "Anne"
XANDER:
Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
GILES: Don't taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
GILES: No. It's just ... tacky.
Buffy the
Vampire Slayer, "Fear, Itself"
CLIFF CLAVIN: Women: If they’re not turning
down your proposals for marriage, they’re accusing you of suspicious behavior
in the women’s lingerie changing room.
Cheers
Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know
what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full
potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla:
Like a body temperature?
Lilith:
That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a
few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell
you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like
dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
Cheers
SILENT
BOB: There’s a million fine looking women in the
world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ‘em just
cheat on you.
Clerks
I love boxing.
Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a
belt?... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It’s the
accessory connection I love.
John McGovern, The Daily Show
I’ve
distilled everything to one simple principle - win or die.
Glenn
Close, Dangerous Liaisons
I don’t have low self-esteem,
I have low esteem for everyone else.
Daria
Little Girl: After
tonight, I’m avoiding growing up at all costs.
Joey: Sounds good. Let me know if
you have any luck.
Little Girl: Aren’t you supposed
to be arguing the other side? Convincing me that growing up can be such a
beautiful experience…if I just let it?
Joey: I see...you want the, “I’m
older than you, so here’s how it works speech,” right? How’s this? ...Growing
up sucks. And not all kisses are magic, and most boys do NOT live up to your
expectations. But...there are those times when everything, I mean...love,
romance, relationships...it all falls together perfectly and…it’s incredible.
And it’s those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between…that
make growing up worth it.
Declaration
of the Rights of Man and the Citizen, France, Article
IV (
Love
is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over,
pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
LORD
PALMERDALE: Are you in charge here?
THE DOCTOR: No, but I'm full of ideas.
Doctor Who
THE
BRIGADIER: You know, just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets.
Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: The first law of crisis is to
panic about one thing at a time.
Dr. Who
THE
DOCTOR: Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.
Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: This species has an amazing
capacity for self-deception matched only by its ingenuity when trying to
destroy itself.
Doctor Who
THE
DOCTOR: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
Doctor Who
Lewis:
(about sex) One person's always
disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman.
The Drew Carey show
Kate:
Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Lewis:
Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take
that away from me?
The Drew Carey show
AJ: I did!
AJ: I don't feel that I need to explain my
art to you, Warren.
Empire Records
GINA:Attention Rex Manning fans! To
your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by our night manager Lucas.
This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our
first 100 customers! Just another tasty treat from the gang here at Empire
Records!
Empire Records
Citronella
candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough.
The Evil
Henchman’s Guide, Tips for Evil Cult Members
If
you have siblings, do not trust them. They’ll only use you shamelessly. Of
course if they’re stupid enough to trust you,
use
them shamelessly.
The Evil
Henchman’s Guide, Tips for the Evil Overlord’s Wicked but Beautiful Daughter
I am what I am,
and I don’t think Betty Ford takes vampires.
Forever Knight
Nick Knight
Frasier:
How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want.
Frasier
Frasier:
She's been missing for three days and you're only just panic-stricken now?
Frasier
Frasier:
There's an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling
Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing
electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute
building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I
still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Frasier
I may steal. And
I may lie. And I may rough some people up from time to time. But it’s all for a
good cause. Self-preservation.
Full Throttle Demo
(“Ben”)
No
matter how many times I tell you she’ll break your heart, or how many times she
does it, you’ll never give up. ‘Why?’ you ask? Because you love her.
Great Expectations
If you see a
chance to be happy, you grab it with both hands and to hell with the
consequences.
Grumpy Old Men
Estimated
amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms:
250
Harper's
Index (October 1989)
JD: Now that you’
re dead, what do you want to do with your life?
Heathers
Perseverance
alone does not assure success. No amount of stalking will lead to game in a
field that has none.
I Ching
One man scorned
and covered with scars still strives with his last ounce of courage to reach
the unreachable stars; and the world will be better for this.
I know this now. Every man
gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she
believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their
lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we
believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and
live without belief, that's more terrible than dying.
Joan of Arc (Movie?)
STONE:
The commandment says "Thou shalt not kill," not "Thou shalt not
kill nice people!"
Law &
Order
After toppling an altruistic democracy, seizing control of
the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it’s a good idea
to invest in helmets that your troops can see through.
Lessons from Star Wars, unknown.
Recently,
when the standoff in
Boris:
And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that “I
run through the valley of the shadow of death-- in order to get OUT of the
valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.
- from the movie “Love and Death”
Drill
Sergeant: One, two, one, two, one, two.
Boris
Dimitrovich Grushenko: Three is next, if you’re having any trouble.
- from the movie “Love and Death”
Countess Alexandrovna: You are the
greatest lover I’ve ever had.
Boris
Dimitrovich Grushenko: Well, I practice a lot when I’m alone.
-
from the movie “Love and Death”
You try to tough it out with them, they’ll lock you in a room somewhere and
throw away the room.
You have the look of a man
who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up.
The Matrix
I know it's a cornball thing but: love is passion, obsession,
someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you
going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love
like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the
risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is there's no sense
living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in
love-well you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you
haven't tried, you haven't lived.
Meet Joe Black
Slipping into
madness is good for comparison.
A reading from
the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: Then did he raise on high
the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, “Bless this, O Lord, that with it
thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the people did
rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats
and orangutans and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, “First thou
pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number
of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou
not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to
three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the
counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction
of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Life’s like a
movie, write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending, we did just what
we set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you....
The Muppet Movie
Love is like when you hear
music playing in another room, and it’s a tune that you really love, so you
sing along. Then, a door closes or a train passes by and you can’t hear it
anymore, but you keep singing along. And when you hear it again you’re singing
it perfectly in time. That’s what love is....I think.
Music from Another room
ANGELA: My parents keep
asking how school was. It’s like saying, ‘How was that drive-by shooting?’ You
don’t care how it was, you’re lucky to get out alive.
My So Called Life
When he's around, my whole
body knows it. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind will have no idea what
I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this.
My So-Called Life
When you call someone's name,
and they don't hear, you feel so lonely.
My So-Called Life
There comes a
time when you’d rather injure your body than injure your pride.
NIKE Advertisement
Sooner or later,
you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know
when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid
of. And you know when it’s time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do
something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it’s
never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.
NIKE Advertisement
Max: You haven’t slept with her, have you?
William: That is a cheap question
and the answer is, of course, no comment.
Max: ‘No comment’ means ‘yes’.
William: No it doesn’t.
Max: Do you ever masturbate?
William: DEFINATELY no comment.
Max: You see? It means ‘yes’.
Notting Hill
African-American
Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer
The Onion headline
In happy times,
love poured out of me like bright honey from a stolen hive. But in times of
hurt and loss I withdrew into a self-made enclosure of impenetrable solitude,
and the people who tried to touch me there--all of them--drew back in utter
horror as I wounded them again and again for daring to love me when I knew my
love was all corruption.
P.C.
Life is pain,
Princess. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.
The Princess Bride
A
slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
PS, The Army's magazine of preventive maintenance; p. 9 (Aug 1993)
He
deserves
Qur'an
RIMMER: What bright side? I’m dead. I’m
composed entirely of light and I’m alone in space with a man who would lose a
battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where’s the bright side?
Red Dwarf
Give yourself
over to absolute pleasure, swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh, erotic
nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure...forever..
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Darlene:
(helping with a forged note) Go
upstairs and practice mom's signature.
DJ: That's like homework! I might as
well be in school!
Darlene: Yes, but unlike things you learn in sixth grade, forgery
is a skill you can use the rest of your life.
Roseanne
Delta:
It always helps if you wear a tiara.
Rosie:
While shellacking?
Delta:
While doing anything.
Delta Burke, on
the Rosie O'Donnell Show
It's
as if all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Saturday
Night Live
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
Star Trek Spock "Who Mourns for Adonais?"
stardate 3468.1.
When
the Egyptians were drowning in the
Talmud
Who
can protest and does not, is an accomplice in the act.
Talmud
The
Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
The Creation
of the Universe, television show sponsorship
credits (PBS)
I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about.
Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I’d like to
think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in
words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices
soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was
as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these
walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in
Shawshank felt free.
The Shawshank Redemption
APU: I used to think karma was baloney, but now I'm not so sure.
HOMER: Mmmmm ... caramel baloney!
The Simpsons
Sideshow
Bob: I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit.
Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a
Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?
The Simpsons
HOMER:
Trying is the first step towards failure.
The Simpsons
HOMER: Dear Lord: The gods have been good
to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the
way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't
ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK,
deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you
want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
The Simpsons
Christopher Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one
that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Titus
Trainspotting
Anna
Nicole said she “had a slender model inside of her.” I'm guessing that was what
she had for lunch.
-The Vent
Inside
me, there’s a thin woman trying to get out. Luckily, I can shut her up with
chocolate.
-The Vent
My
biggest hope is that, after the war, we can get the guy who has kept Iraqi TV
up and running to come to work here for the cable company.
-The Vent
We have
been so anxious to give our children what we did not have that we have
neglected to give them what we did have.
-The Vent
I’ve got
everything I need except a man. And I’m not one of those women who thinks a man
is the answer to everything, but I’m tired of being alone.
Waiting to Exhale
HARRY:I love that you get cold when it's 71
degrees out. I love that it takes you an
hour and a half to order a sandwich. I
love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like
I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day
with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I
want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely,
and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you
realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the
rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
When Harry Met
Sally
When I buy a book, I always
read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how
it ends. That, my friend, is the dark side.
When Harry Met Sally
Lionel:
I came as soon as you called.
Karen: That's really none of my business but I'm glad you're
here.
Will and Grace
TV listing for
the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Paper: Transported to a surreal landscape, a
young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three
complete strangers to kill again.
If
you bought our course, "How to Fly Solo in Six Easy Lessons," we
apologize for any inconvenience caused by our failure to include the last
chapter, "How to Land Your Plane Safely." Send us your name and
address and we will send you the last chapter posthaste. Requests by estates
also honored.
World
Magazine, Correction in a 1973 issue
DANA
SCULLY: Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-the ones that last-are
frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look
at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a
switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend
is...suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with.
X-files
Mulder:
Scully:
No...
Mulder:
Scully:
And, what does that have to do with these two?
Mulder:
Well, as I said, there is no scientific explanation, but there are those of us
that believe that these multicolored lights are really --
Scully:
UFOs. Extra-terrestrial visitors from beyond who apparently have nothing better
to do than buzz one mountain for 700 years.
Mulder:
It sounds like crap when you say it.
X-files
You have to show
support; it’s necessary to get behind someone to stab them in the back.
Yes, Prime Minister
Everybody knows
that the dice are loaded, everybody rolls with their fingers crossed.
“Everybody Knows”
She got down, but
she never got tired, she’s gonna make it through the night.
“Blinded by the
Light.”
It’s so nice to
be insane, no-one asks you to explain....
Helen Reddy “Angie
Baby”
Don’t make me
chase you, even doves have pride.
Prince, “When
Doves Cry”
And he who made
kittens put snakes in the grass.
Jethro Tull,
“Bungle in the Jungle”
We were once so
close to Heaven, Peter came out and gave us medals, declaring us the nicest of
the damned...
They Might Be
Giants, “Road Movie to
When everything
feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive....
GooGoo Dolls, Iris
Break me, shake
me, hate me, take me over, when the madness stops then you will be alone...
Withdrawal in
disgust is not the same as apathy.
R.E.M. “What’s the
Frequency, Kenneth?”